What i really really really want

assalamu 3alikom,

i dont exactly remember this, but i think i heard that u need to ask ur self: "what do i really really really want?", it's a way to know ur deepest desires.
well, u may see this strange, but there are a lot of ppl who dont know what they really want, and this question sometimes helps, the 3 "really" makes u think or seek deeply inside or among ur desires.

what i really really really wanted were two things, and they were somewhat contradicting.. i didnt think i could have them both cz having one of them decreases the chances of having the other.
the first, that i really really really wanted, and dreamed of having, and wanted so badly , i now just cant get anymore, i already lost it forever, and it really hurts.. but al7amdulillaaah 3ala kolli 7aal..

now, i sometimes think that Allaah made me lose the first so that he will give me the second, so that i focus more on the second one and have better chances of having it, who knows!!
but i sometimes see that the chances of having the second are degrading too, i feel like i'm losing it too.. am i gonna have it?! Allahu a3lam..

not having the second makes me remeber the firt and the pain of losing it, well, i cant say "losing" as i didnt have it in the first place, but i just didnt have it :)

al7amdulillah qaddara Allahu wama shaa2a fa3al, i believe it wasnt mine in the 1st place, Allaah didnt want it for me, but what about the second??..

as these 2 things are what i really really really wanted, i cant imagine my self not having the second either, i ask Allaah to give it to me if it was the 5eer, and make me satisfied if it wasnt mine..

this was 7abbet fadfada.. pray for me, may Allaah satisfay me in all cases ya rabb