It's a hard feeling, and you don't to actually know how you are supposed to feel.
You miss them, sad that they are not there when you most need them to be, you may want to feel angry that they left, you feel helpless that you can't talk to them, you can't pick the phone to say that you miss them, you just can't... you can't go to the places that you used to go to meet with them; bcz simply, they wont show up! you may go alone, and start remembering the feelings that you had when they where there next to you, the conversations that you had, the smiles on your faces, you remember and remember, you wait for them to show up, then you look around to realize that they are not there, they are only in your own memory.. then you raise your head, stare at the sky with eyes full of tears.
You are then sure that they are dead, because you are sure that if they were alive they wont disappear just like that without even a goodbye, they wont let go of you, they know they would be hurting you if they did, and you know they will never ever do it purposely, and this is the moment when you are 100% sure that they will never come back... they are now part of the past, they "were", they are dead!
Then you want to make it easy on your self, you remind your self that they didn't leave by their own will, they did not walk away, they didn't abandon you, they'd just disappeared from your life all of a sudden, but this kills you!Then you find that they had left that good memory inside you.. you are not able to hate them, even if it had happened one day that they caused you harm or even hurted your feelings, you can't help forgetting all the bad memories and remembering the good ones, you can't blame them for they had gone, you die to know why they'd left but you can never ask..And there, deep inside your heart, you can't stop loving them, and you miss them so much, you miss them deeply and sometimes you just keep thinking and thinking about them to the extent that puts you in a very bad need to just hear their voice.
Then you tell your self that it was not their will to leave, it's Allah's will, .. and then you remember to thank Allaah for what he chose, cz you know that whatever Allaah chooses, it is the good thing, but you still have that pain in the heart...
Then you decide not to thank Allaah sadly, you want to be satisfied, you decide to smile, you decide to thank Allaah for putting those people in your life, for letting you have such peaceful and sweet memories, thank him because he tought you through them a lot, thank him because you love him and love them, thank him because you never know this is good for you, thank him because you trust that he is doing you a favour, thank him because whenever you feel that pain in the heart, and whenever you strongly miss them, you only say one word: "Yaaa rabb"
Then you are happy with the memories you'd shared with them and want to keep remembering them forever, you want to remember their face perfectly, you want not to forget them, you want to remember every word, every move and every action. You are afraid, truly afraid, that you may forget them oneday!
When those people left, you were told that they died, so you keep reminding your self with this fact all the time, you keep telling your self: "They died, they died, they died, they died...."
Then you start telling yourself that this is not the end, and will never be! you start having that hope that you will meet them isAllaah in heaven, hoping that they are happy and deeply wish them to be with Allaaah, in the maqaam of Al sali7een Al mottaqeen, and having all kind of blesses that they kept telling you before leave that they were dreaming of, you wish them what they wished for themselves, you smile when you imagine them smiling there in the heaven, and sitting with their beloved, sayyedna Muhammad salla Allaahu 3alihi wasallaam and seeing the face Allaah sub7anahu wata3alaa with the ultimate satisfaction that they could ever dream of!
Then you have nothing to do for them except praying, because you want the image that you are having now for them to come true. You ask Allaaah to take care for them, love them and have mercy on them and wish them to be in the companionship of sayyedna Muhammad -salla Allahu 3alihi wasallam-.And you pause, thinking, do they remember me?! do they pray for me?! do they miss me as much as i do?!, do they want me to be with them?!.. and because you don't have answers for all those questions, you start praying that they do, and you start and having a great hope that you see them and be there with them in the heaven isAllaaah...
No comments:
Post a Comment